After picking up my graduation gown today I was saddened at my lack of intellectual gumption. I call it intellectual gumption, because in another universe, the bright and bushy tailed eighteen year old would of stuck straight through on a four year scholarship instead of running ( unsuccessfully, I might add ) after boys.
This would of been gumption. But no. Instead said bushy tailed eighteen year old went back home, thirty pounds overweight and went to work in a card and gift shop while convincing herself ( and everyone around her ) that she was going to pursue acting. One little tidbit of advice: If people tell you you are talented and you don't believe them, chances are you're going to crash and burn sooner than later.
So, after that diabolical year ( probably the worst of my entire life thus far) I decided to go back to university with my tail between my legs. Flash forward five years later. I am now working at a bar and taking interviews about what it's like to be at the bottom of the food chain, struggling from paycheck to paycheck.
What the hell?
Two years later I am now about to be married and still Gumption has not made an appearance at my doorstep.
Is this normal? Does this happen at all? Is it just some fluke in the biological department where something got neglected into switching on?
You can call it anything you like.
Perhaps it is merely the last stage of growing up, much as I hate to admit it. Come on kid. Pick a profession or career. Never mind if you hate it or dread going to work everyday. Luck of the draw. You didn't have enough gumption to obtain a Masters or PhD. Like you should of done.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Fake n' Bake, Baby
Here I sit, wafting an interesting combination of tanning lotion and body odor. Yes, I said it. Not entirely lady-like, but who is reading this besides me anyway...
So. My bride-to-be-survival guide. The non-deleted version. It might of sounded funnier in my head at one o'clock in the morning, but am I trying to win an award here on outstanding literature? No.
1.) Call me crazy, but when two people decide to get married the sole reason isn't to procreate. After watching a particular disturbing HD show called " In The Womb" I told my fiance he better make sure his battalion of little men were safely in the trenches playing spider solitare before he came within one inch of me. When confronted with the question: " So, when do you plan to have kids?" answer accordingly. " When I stop being one."
2.) It is never a good idea to fight with your fiance in front of the lady in charge of the Gift Registry. Especially when it's over FREE presents. This is just in poor taste.
3.) Accept the fact that no matter how simple mailing an already stamped envelope may be to you, it actually is a complicated process to most people. Those mailboxes are awfully tricky to see due to camouflage. Bright red. Such a shame.
4.) Sign a contract with your fiance outlining that you are not to be held responsible for things said ( during the pre-months leading up to nuptial bliss) due to a surprise appearance of your alter-ego. You maybe surprised how boistorous and spontaneous she actually is. Instead of making her your enemy, invite her out to dinner with drinks and name her something spunky like Shera.
5.) Procrastination is not your friend. In fact, it should be legally defined as some sort of disease in standard Psychology 101 texts. Take heart. There are ways to lessen the strain. Like shopping. Or reading an Anne Rice novel. Or finding a million other things to do that you've never had the notion to do before. Like flossing.
End Of Part I
So. My bride-to-be-survival guide. The non-deleted version. It might of sounded funnier in my head at one o'clock in the morning, but am I trying to win an award here on outstanding literature? No.
1.) Call me crazy, but when two people decide to get married the sole reason isn't to procreate. After watching a particular disturbing HD show called " In The Womb" I told my fiance he better make sure his battalion of little men were safely in the trenches playing spider solitare before he came within one inch of me. When confronted with the question: " So, when do you plan to have kids?" answer accordingly. " When I stop being one."
2.) It is never a good idea to fight with your fiance in front of the lady in charge of the Gift Registry. Especially when it's over FREE presents. This is just in poor taste.
3.) Accept the fact that no matter how simple mailing an already stamped envelope may be to you, it actually is a complicated process to most people. Those mailboxes are awfully tricky to see due to camouflage. Bright red. Such a shame.
4.) Sign a contract with your fiance outlining that you are not to be held responsible for things said ( during the pre-months leading up to nuptial bliss) due to a surprise appearance of your alter-ego. You maybe surprised how boistorous and spontaneous she actually is. Instead of making her your enemy, invite her out to dinner with drinks and name her something spunky like Shera.
5.) Procrastination is not your friend. In fact, it should be legally defined as some sort of disease in standard Psychology 101 texts. Take heart. There are ways to lessen the strain. Like shopping. Or reading an Anne Rice novel. Or finding a million other things to do that you've never had the notion to do before. Like flossing.
End Of Part I
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Deleting Genious
I feel compelled to write this at this time.
So, in the midst of some witty advice for potentinal would-be-brides, I erased the thing and ended up with ironically enough, the title: Adjacent To The Lunatic...more like Adjacent To The Stupid Lunatic.
Clearly my humorous tirade has ended. I wave a sorrowful farewell on the ocean liner of what was not meant to be. You will not be subjected to my cleverness tonight. I am sure you will console yourself with the nearest distraction. Like the off button.
So, in the midst of some witty advice for potentinal would-be-brides, I erased the thing and ended up with ironically enough, the title: Adjacent To The Lunatic...more like Adjacent To The Stupid Lunatic.
Clearly my humorous tirade has ended. I wave a sorrowful farewell on the ocean liner of what was not meant to be. You will not be subjected to my cleverness tonight. I am sure you will console yourself with the nearest distraction. Like the off button.
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