Fake n' Bake, Baby

Here I sit, wafting an interesting combination of tanning lotion and body odor. Yes, I said it. Not entirely lady-like, but who is reading this besides me anyway...
So. My bride-to-be-survival guide. The non-deleted version. It might of sounded funnier in my head at one o'clock in the morning, but am I trying to win an award here on outstanding literature? No.
1.) Call me crazy, but when two people decide to get married the sole reason isn't to procreate. After watching a particular disturbing HD show called " In The Womb" I told my fiance he better make sure his battalion of little men were safely in the trenches playing spider solitare before he came within one inch of me. When confronted with the question: " So, when do you plan to have kids?" answer accordingly. " When I stop being one."
2.) It is never a good idea to fight with your fiance in front of the lady in charge of the Gift Registry. Especially when it's over FREE presents. This is just in poor taste.
3.) Accept the fact that no matter how simple mailing an already stamped envelope may be to you, it actually is a complicated process to most people. Those mailboxes are awfully tricky to see due to camouflage. Bright red. Such a shame.
4.) Sign a contract with your fiance outlining that you are not to be held responsible for things said ( during the pre-months leading up to nuptial bliss) due to a surprise appearance of your alter-ego. You maybe surprised how boistorous and spontaneous she actually is. Instead of making her your enemy, invite her out to dinner with drinks and name her something spunky like Shera.
5.) Procrastination is not your friend. In fact, it should be legally defined as some sort of disease in standard Psychology 101 texts. Take heart. There are ways to lessen the strain. Like shopping. Or reading an Anne Rice novel. Or finding a million other things to do that you've never had the notion to do before. Like flossing.

End Of Part I